How many times have we been able to say or hear those 5 words in different contexts?
- My partner doesn’t help me at home
- My partner doesn’t help me with the baby/child
- My partner doesn’t help me with expenses/financially
- My partner doesn’t help me grow
- My partner does not help me when I am not well
Relationships are complex, as each partner has his or her own way of organizing and own perception of what is or is not a priority. Agreeing and having a sense of balance can often seem difficult.
There is no magic formula to get our partner to help us in the way we want or expect. But there are several important points to keep in mind.
What to do when you feel that your partner is not helping you?
The injustice of justice
An important topic for discussion is the concept of justice. In my experience as a therapist in couple cases, I often encounter the demand for an equitable distribution of tasks.
Fairness is not the same as equality. Equality is about being equal in status, rights and opportunities, while fairness is about how to get to that point through justice and fairness.
To be equitable, it is important to understand each other’s circumstances and tailor the request to the capabilities (financial, temporal, emotional, etc.) of the other person.
For example: Lorena is in a moment of professional growth in which she has just started a business and dedicates a large part of that time to her company. If her project works well, it will allow her to save enough to afford to buy a house with her wife Monica. This implies that Monica (temporarily) takes on much more of the burden in the relationship (financial, housework, less time as a couple, etc.). At first they had problems, but after talking it over and understanding that it was a temporary situation, their attitude has changed. They see each other as a team with a common goal.
Resolution
Talking to scold is clearly not effective. The objective of making a critique or request to our partner should not be about being right, but about finding a solution to something that bothers us.
The importance of choosing the right moment to talk things over also stands out here. It is important to be “cold” and to speak from the calmness since from the anger or the reproach, it is possible that we only achieve that our partner acquires a defensive attitude.
We must think well about what we want to say, and the clearer and more concise we are, the better. Avoiding generalizations and absolutisms.
Let’s look at the difference:
– You never pay for anything, you always expect me to be the one to do it.
– I have noticed that the last 4 times we have gone out or gone to the supermarket I have paid for it.
This is an assertive communication style. In our blog, you will find in a more developed way how you can work on your communication skills.
Explain why that request is important to you. Either by appealing to your partner’s empathy or from our “commercial” side to convince him/her of the advantages of changing that attitude. But, above all, make a PROPOSED solution. Our partner must have the option to decide whether to accept it or not, and to make a counterproposal.
Something that I sometimes recommend is to make a script of what we want to ask for. In order to be able to practice the speech and the way we want to do it.
Ask for help
I stress, again, the importance of not demanding or accusing, but asking for what we need.
Many times we think that our partner has a crystal ball and can read our minds. Or that because we have asked for it once (wrongly) we can’t try again.
Communicate with your partner, help them know how they can help you or how you will feel better.
It doesn’t matter if your partner “should already know”. From this point of view, all you get is angry, frustrated and don’t ask for what you need.
Marta is frustrated with David, because every time she tells him what is bothering her, David just says “don’t worry, everything will be fine”. Marta wished that David would offer her more understanding and support, because, although she understands that he does not mean it in a bad way, she has the feeling that her partner is not interested in hearing her complain. To her, this seems like “common sense” and leads to arguments every time it happens.
Marta is encouraged to ask her partner, calmly and assertively, what would help her in those moments. It turns out that David thought that, if he went into the subject, Marta would get worse and that is why he was only trying to divert the subject. After the conversation, David began to validate Marta more and she felt more understood.
Realism
Being realistic implies reviewing what our priorities are, how important they are and whether they are a real need or a whim of our own.
For example, if my partner likes to have the fabrics always ironed and demands me to iron the sofa covers or the sheets every day. This request is not very realistic, since it requires a dedication and a time that I do not have every day or which is a priority to dedicate to more urgent tasks such as putting a washing machine or attending to my children with their homework.
Acceptance
Not to be confused with “conformism”. Acceptance is based on the idea of seeing the person we are with, with his or her lights and shadows, and understanding that we cannot mold him or her to our liking. This is a person different from us, with his or her own way of functioning and seeing life.
Of course we can improve and grow. Of course we can make requests. But we cannot expect our partner to act our way.
Rocío and Paco are parents of two girls. They have completely different educational styles and both believe they are looking out for the best interest of their daughters. While Paco is strict and believes in the importance of routines and limits, Rocio is more of a free-spirited parenting style where the girls discover for themselves and learn what works and what doesn’t work for them. Paco would like Rocío to be stricter and enforce the rules, while Rocío thinks that Paco needs to relax with the little ones and let them act like what they are, children.
In this case, we opted to work from negotiation and for both parents to agree on middle ground on how to handle certain situations with the girls, so as not to confuse them. We encouraged both parents to see the good side of each other’s style and to be more empathetic with each other, seeing that they were both fighting for the same thing, for the welfare of their daughters.
Respect
It is important to show respect for our partner’s needs. There are many people who fall into selfishness within the relationship and cling to the law of minimum effort regarding their partner’s demands.
Theirs, like ours, are important and deserve attention. However, we should not confuse demanding with being a tyrant. “Since I like it this way…you must comply.” No, that’s not respect. That is dictatorship.
We must be flexible and reach agreements and middle ground between what I would like and what I can ask for.
Practicality
Sometimes the solutions are easier than they seem, it’s just that it won’t always be the solution that seems best to me.
However, I like to encourage my patients to be more practical than proud. We can’t always “win” and as I have stated before, the ultimate goal should be to resolve the point of conflict, not to be right.
The case of David and Ana (names and other details have been changed to protect the identity of individuals) who both hated doing the dishes comes to mind. Both accused the other of doing it infrequently or not doing it “right”. They had been doing it for 2 years. After an assessment of the case, I asked them why they did not buy a dishwasher. Both replied that it seemed absurd to have to make that investment when they both had hands and could do it themselves. To which I asked them if in their case they were compensated for the constant bickering to save the cost of such an appliance. In the end, they agreed that it was preferable to buy the dishwasher and the “misunderstandings” about washing dishes were over.
Some of the things that I often encourage the consultation to do are to make task schedules, create a common calendar, assign tasks, agree on a weekly space to talk about certain topics, etc.
That’s the way i am, and that’s the way i’ll stay
The argument or justification of “this is the way I am” or “I don’t know how to do it any other way” limits our partner’s ability to ask for changes or modifications.
We all have the capacity to improve and to work on what hurts the people around us if we pay attention and are willing to do so.
I insist on the fact that it is not about “giving in” to everything. However, if you do not agree with a demand, make a “counteroffer”. Don’t just say NO. That’s not decisive and the only thing it will do is stall a problem.
Positive radar
Sometimes it is very easy to get to a distorted version of reality in which we only see everything that our partner does not do and we ignore or take for granted all those things that our partner does for us or for our coexistence.
I encourage you to try for a week, to write down all those things that you detect that your partner has done, that you appreciate or that release load, even if they are simple things like “he/she has made me coffee in the morning”.
Notice how many things you take for granted and that you may not value.
Limits
Jesus always complained that Mark never cooked dinner because he preferred to play video games. However, Jesus kept preparing Mark’s dinner despite his inattention in that area.
Jesus decided to talk to Mark and explain how he felt and why he wanted help with the dinner issue. Jesus offers him the possibility of doing the dinner on odd days or one week at a time. Jesus also tells Mark that he is open to hearing another proposal from Mark. Mark proposes to take on another household chore in exchange for not having to do the dinners. Jesus accepts, but they agree that if they do not comply with the agreement, the consequence will be that the unwanted chore will have to be done.
It is not about punishing our partners, they are not children, but to indicate that there are behaviors that are not to be encouraged, since they threaten our emotional integrity.
And if it doesn’t work…
If even taking into account everything described above, your partner does not take into account your needs or your feelings, perhaps it is important to reevaluate the relationship, to see if we are compensated or not that overload in any of the areas of our relationship. It may be time to go to a professional. In couples therapy you will be able to work on your differences in a deeper way.
